


Silver

by Dance_Elle_Dance



Category: Infernal Devices Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Book 1: Clockwork Angel, F/M, Romance, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-27
Updated: 2015-09-27
Packaged: 2018-04-23 14:47:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4880890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dance_Elle_Dance/pseuds/Dance_Elle_Dance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She doesn't know when she started caring for Mr. Carstairs so, but she just wants the best for him. Even if the best happens to be someone else. (Originally posted on 6/10/11.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Silver

**Author's Note:**

> Re-post of my first Infernal Devices fanfic, with one of my favorite pairings in the series. Please enjoy!

She doesn't remember when she realized she was in love with him.

Sophie doesn't remember when she figured it out, but she supposes that doesn't matter when compared to the knowledge of _having_ those feelings.

It was subtle, the whole thing. She doesn't think that it could have happened any other way. Usually, she is oblivious to her own feelings, choosing to block them out and shove them away in bonds so they won't come to the surface. It wouldn't suit anyone if they were to come to light. And her feelings for him are no different. In fact, she has trouble recalling any other man she's ever had feelings before besides him.

She fell in love with his kindness. His genuine, kind regard for anyone that he had ever met. Even that insufferable Will Herondale was subject to his utter niceties.

James Carstairs.

_Jem_. She thinks his nickname with an airy sigh, unable to stop herself. She rarely gets to call him by that name. Mostly it is _Mr. Carstairs_ or _James_. She only lets _Jem_ slip when she is especially careless…or especially worried, like the time she had said it in front of Tessa.

She had seen how the Downworlder had looked at her after she said _Jem_ with such a desperate, aching quality. She had known Tessa was observant, and by the look in her eyes when Sophie said his name… Well, she supposed Tessa was now privy to her little secret, the one that she had tried so hard to keep from everyone.

Will sometimes teases her about it. And that leads to one of their many, many fights. And that leads to her putting yet another thing on the list of _Reasons to Hate Will Herondale._

She sighs and tries to rid herself of that train of thought. But as is per usual, her train of thought decides to take a stop right at the station of Jem.

She can't help but think of him. He is one of the kindest, most gentle beings she'd ever met. He could be so nice, even to her. Jem wouldn't look at her and see her scar, like most people did. He'd look at her and see the person beyond that. The person that she _was_ , beyond all the superficial nonsense.

He would even talk to her now and then, without needing anything taken care of. He'd talk to her as a friend, an equal, not as some servant that happened to be graced with the Sight. He would give her his gentle smiles, and her cheeks would flare with a blush that was as telltale as anything she'd ever experienced. Her heart would flip around in her chest like some frantic bird.

She is pathetic, she knows this.

And yet, she can't stop herself.

Even though she knows that Jem can't possibly feel the same way about her that she feels about him, she keeps up with her silly delusions. Her silly dreams that maybe one day he'd take her in his arms and kiss her like she'd always dreamed.

Silly, foolish, love-struck girl.

She knows that he isn't interested. Frankly, she insists that he isn't. Even if his smiles are so kind to her (he is kind to everyone), or that he looks past her scar (even though most are used to it), or any other reason she can think of. She is absolutely certain that Jem holds no romantic feelings for her whatsoever, and that notion is enough to rip a hole through her useless, mundane body.

Sophie might be stricken by the virus that is love, but that does not make her blind.

She is fully aware of the way that Jem regards the lovely little Downworlder girl with the talent of a lifetime. Sophie can see it in the way he will talk to her, the way that he always seems to have an ear for whatever she has to say, how his eyes will always be a bit softer when she is around.

Sophie herself is pretty observant as well.

Because when she notices all of these little things, she notices that even though Tessa blushes rather easily around Jem, laughs at his jokes, makes him happy…despite all of that, there's something else that she cares for. Some _one_ else. And that person is as undeserving of the affection Tessa holds for him as Nate is, in her opinion.

Sophie knows that Tessa is in love with Will, but Jem also has feelings for Tessa. It must be such a painful thing, being in the middle of that.

She can't see how they do it. Despite what she told Tessa about having feelings for someone who deserves them, Sophie can see the way Will looks at Tessa. She's grown accustomed to dealing with his various masks and facades and lies… They're all a ruse for something darker, she feels, but whenever he looks at Tessa…Sophie thinks she can see an actual human being instead of the gnarled and twisted individual.

Sophie decides to put that train of thought to rest, and she imagines shoving the thoughts onto the darkest parts of the library, never to see the light of day.

And she thinks of Jem.

Whenever she seems to have some trouble, some strange thought, the image of his face behind her lids is enough to get her calmed. Even when he's looking at someone else, even when his pale, pale eyes eagerly devour someone else… It's okay, because he is happy.

This is what she tells herself. Her words to Tessa, spoken so truly…

_"It's all right to love someone who doesn't love you back, as long as they're worth you loving them. As long as they **deserve** it."_

She spoke, knowing her feelings for Jem. Knowing that Jem had those types of feelings for Tessa. Really, it isn't so bad. Tessa isn't _Jessamine_ at least. Tessa was smart and beautiful and kind and was at least deserving of Jem.

_Isn't so bad…_ Sophie feels the contradiction between her words and her emotions as a tremor of pain rocks through her chest.

Sophie knows one thing, surer than the fact that she loves Jem - she wants him to be happy. More than anything, she wants him to be the happiest person alive. He's been through so much, and she wishes fiercely that he will find that happiness, even though his time is limited.

Again, pain rockets through her.

She pushes through it, though, like she always does. She clutches a graceful hand to her chest and she sighs, thinking again of pale eyes and even paler hair, and the milky white of his skin, the cadence of his voice.

Sophie thinks about all of these things, and wishes desperately for him to be happy.

Sometimes, that is all one can do.


End file.
